The Little Girl Inside
In this story of, “THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE,” I believe that abuse and human trafficking is the worst, most offensive, and most damaging of all types of abuse. When an individual is forced to engage in sex against his or her will, something that is meant to be given only willingly as a gift is violently taken from that person. If that individual is abused in a perverted manner, he or she may suffer lasting damage to the soul as well as to the physical body.
When people especially children, as I was at the age of five, their minds, wills and emotions may be tremendously damaged. They may become negative, suspicious, critical, judgmental, worried and unsettled. They may also become what I call mentally deep, always reasoning, always trying to figure everything out, always asking why me? I put my trust in him after all he was my Grandfather. If I couldn’t put my trust in him, who could I put my trust in? How can I take care of myself? How can I keep life under control so I don’t get hurt anymore? The problem with such a deep thinker is that he or she never gets to enjoy life. In almost every case, an abuse victim like myself, will be deeply rooted in shame and will develop a shame-based nature. Because of my Grandfather, I felt shame and rejection during the next five decades. I then built this wall around me; and I would never let anyone in. Who would ever want me? In my mind I was damaged goods.
I do have a shame-based nature and I am also rooted and grounded in shame? I believe the curse and power of shame can be broken off from me through the power of God. I know from Isaiah 54:4 that the Lord has promised to remove the shame and dishonor from me so that I remember it no more. In fact, God has promised that in my place He will pour out upon as a twofold blessing. I will possess double what I have lost, and I will have everlastingjoy.
Take your stand on the word of God. Become rooted and grounded, not in shame and dishonor, but in the love of Christ, being complete in Him. ask the Lord to work a healing miracle in your mind, will, and emotions. Let Him come in and fulfill what He came to do: heal your broken heart, bind up your wounds, give you beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, a garment of praise instead of heaviness, and a double honor for a double shame.
I have determined from this moment on, I am going to reject the roots of bitterness, shame, negativism, and perfectionism, and nourish the roots of joy, peace love, and power.
By faith, draw the bloodline of Jesus Christ across your life and boldly declare that you are healed from the pains and wounds of your past; you have been set free to live a new life of health and wholeness. Continue to praise the Lord and confess His Word over yourself, claiming His forgiveness, cleansing, and healing.
I need to stop blaming myself of feeling guilty, unworthy, and unloved. Instead begin to say, “If God is for me, who can be against me? God loves me, and I love myself. Praise the Lord; I am free in Jesus’ name amen!”
People have said to me, “Why are you dragging this up now? Why? It has controlled every facet of my life. It has damaged me in every possible way. It has destroyed everything in my life that has been of value. It has prevented me from living a comfortable emotional life. It’s prevented me from being able to love clearly. It took my children away from me. I haven’t been able to succeed in the world. My childhood would have been comfortable, I could be anything today. I know that everything I don’t deal with now is one more burden I have to carry for the rest of my life. This happened to me 50 years ago. Now I’m 55. Since the time it happened to me, if I told anyone you were told to shut your mouth and never, ever mention it again.
Today is a lot different. Thank the Lord. I believe one of the greatest fears I have endured through all this, is not being able to trust. My grandfather left me as if I was damaged goods. From then on I built this brick wall around me, and no one was ever going to come in and hurt me the way my grandfather did ever again.
It was another Friday for my Mom to leave me at our grandparent’s house for the weekend. My grandfather just found another opportunity to have his way with me the whole weekend. After I finished with my bath and got dressed I went to my room so my grandmother could read a book to me before I fell asleep. As I was saying my prayers, I heard the door open and it turned out to be my grandfather with a book in his hand. He told me to get under the covers and he would start reading me a bedtime story. He got on the bed next to me and put his hand under the covers and he began touching me all over my body. All I wanted to do is start screaming as loud as I could, but I was way too scared.
Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her or his life. Although, most survivors have been taught to keep their abuse a secret. This silence has been in the best interest only of the abusers notthe survivors. Now does it protect the children who still have contact with the abuser? Many survivors have a compelling desire to speak out. Yet whenever you consider breaking the code of silence, you are putting yourself in danger of feeling fear and confusion. In order to understand the strength of these feelings, you must remember that you are emerging from a context of severe cultural and personal repression. You are exercising your power, which you have every right too.
The Lord has lead me to write mystory so I can reach out to these victims that are going through what I went through. It’s only through the Grace of God that I’m able to give my testimony.